a prison

so, i think i may have mentioned going off to a retreat called "girl's state". it is sponsered by the american legion and is a government thing. i am here at this retreat for a whole week, though it's starting to feel like months. i'm not homesick, actually, it's been a nice oppourtunity for ana to take the reigns once again and lead me back to her lovely world of fasting and less than 500 calories a day. i'm actually loving it because of that. i love being able to be stronger than all the other girls. no, better. becuase of my strength, what they might call a disorder, i am better than they will ever be.

the downside is that i miss jake. i miss jacob a lot. he does not have a cell phone, so i can't text him, and the boy is practically nocturnal. he rolls out of bed around 2:30pm and goes to sleep at 7:00am. what the hell?! thinking about jake also gives me a little thinspiration to think about while i'm here at this prison. it's miraculous that i can actually get on a computer, though i'm not allowed on facebook while i'm here. we are allowed to the dorms, but only on our floor. we are allowed to go to the cafeteria or liabrary at noon, but only for half of an hour. we are allowed to talk to the other girls here on the campus with the group, but we can not talk to any of the students. we are not allowed to call anybody, we are not allowed out of our rooms after 9:00pm. it is like a prison. they have times for us to do everything. even pee! it's stupid. what happened to freedom? haha.

i am surviving though. like i said, ana is helping me though this hard time. and let me tell you, it IS a hard time. they have so much good food here for us to eat! Popcorn, potatoes, jello, cheesecake, lasagna, linguini, chocolate, ice-cream, every food you can think of! i came so close to binging when they brought out the potatoes. but no. i didn't. i thought thin and stayed strong. i had a small slice of watermeleon instead. i was so proud of myself. i'm hoping to see some major improvements on my weight becuase of it. if not, well...at least i didn't gain anything. 

i'm going to try calling jacob. it's about time for him to wake up.

why do i bother? it's not like anybody listens to me anyway. maybe they'll listen when i waste into nothing. when i become perfection.

think thin.

~mara~

better...but in other words worse

so the boy i last posted about, jacob. he's the dreamiest boy i could ever dream up. we've been on two dates so far, and both were amazing. jacob makes me feel good about myself. like, he'll tell me that i'm perfect, and say things like, "my god! who would want to date one of those anorexic twigs!" as he points to a girl who is not very thin at all and i still wish i had her body. i feel like i don't need ana when i'm around him. but when i come home, and i get yelled at for some reason or another, i feel like shit and i want ana to be my best friend no matter what. it's a confusing cycle, but i'm sticking to ana. even though i don't want to at the moment, if i don't, i'll hate myself later. i don't want to because jacob says i'm perfect. he makes me feel like i am.

because of aforementioned feelings, i've binged this whole week. i'm not even going to get on the scale because i'm scared of what it's going to say. eugh. fuck my no caffeine policy, i'm drinking coffee and tea all today. no sugar, no milk. i don't deserve such luxuries. oh, and because of this boy, i am no longer vegetarian. he's a damn good cook. like, i didn't think men could cook that well! seriously, he rivals my own cooking. last night he cooked me some chicken. it was really good. it was the spicy kind with the hot sauce all over it. damn it was good. i thought i'd puke at the meat, but i enjoyed it, like seeing a friend you haven't seen in years. but maybe being omnivore isn't too bad. i mean, boiled chicken might be nice to eat if i HAVE to eat anything. i'll just keep away from red meat.

so, i'm going to "girls state" next week. it's a government thing. it's all girls, and we learn about the different branches of government. it's really cool, and it'll give me a week of fasting since the other girls won't pay any attention to my eating habits, all anybody cares about is being elected for one of the positions. so i'm hoping to lose all this weight i've racked up since last post.


i know that my weight is probably up to around 150 by now. i feel so fat and gross when i'm alone, but when i hang out with jacob, i feel like, well, i feel like i AM perfect. like i am healthy. it's really weird. around jake, i feel okay to eat. like, when he took me to his family bbq over memorial day weekend, i felt okay to eat the vegetarian hot dogs they'd bought just for me. i felt okay to eat the chips and dip. if even felt okay to eat pound cake with whipped cream and strawberries. damn it all, this boy makes me feel like nothing's wrong. he makes me "better" but in ana's case that means "worse". i know it's stupid to say because i'm a teenager, but...i think i'm in love with him. it's going to hurt like hell when things end. and i know ana will always be waiting, her arms wide open, as she has for two years.

think thin.
-mara-