Friday, July 9, 2010

revenge of the worst sort

i know it's been about a month since my last post. i've been super busy between my new job, my boyfriend, and moving into a new place with my parents. between all of that, ana's taken revenge against Jacob. Jacob, my boyfriend of one whole month, (that's the longest relationship i've had) cooks amazing food and always tries to take care of me and be my protecter. i appriciate his gestures very much, but ana does not. after a month of "being normal" and eating like a normal person, i was happy to learn that i only jumped up to 145. i was thinking it'd be more like 156 or some bullshit like that. i weighed myself today and was happy that i lost a whole 10lbs in 5 days. i think being happy has something to do with it. i notice that when i'm upset or dismal, my weight tends to jump up no matter how little i eat. but when i'm happy, my weight will balance it's self and drop drastically. i dunno if there's any science behind it, but it works for me.

i love Jacob. i really do. he says he loves me, and i don't care if it makes me a stupid teenager, but i beleive him. i know he does. it's in the way he looks at me. the way he talks to me, the things he does out of the blue. like yesterday for example. i went over to his house, just expecting to hang out like we usually do, maybe just watch a movie or play video games. turns out we'd be home alone for the night and he'd layed out a magnificent dinner for the two of us. candle lit and everything. i was astonished. we ate and talked about plans for our senior year. we don't go to the same school, but we were thinking abouat plans for after high school. we agreed that we'd save up for a trip to hawaii next summer. though our relation ship may not last (oh god i hope it does) it's nice to plan sometimes. and if it does, then we'll be the happiest 18 year old kids on the beach. haha! even more inspiration for me to thin up. gotta get in perfect shape for that bikki bod, right? so, life's been fantastic to say the least. i can't complain.

okay, so maybe i can. ana hates jake. hates him with a burning passion. hates his cooking, hates his willingness to accept fat me. hates the fact that he thinks i'm beautiful the way i am. she's coming back to me for revenge. revenge of the worst sort. ana's waged war on my heart. not just my head anymore, oh no, that my dears was concoured long ago. ana's made me lie to jacob before. i feel horrible about it, but what can i do? although jake knows about my ED, he thinks that i've become better. he supports me working out with him, and supports a healthy diet, but ana just likes to throw him to the wayside. :/ this worries me very much.

mara burton.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

a prison

so, i think i may have mentioned going off to a retreat called "girl's state". it is sponsered by the american legion and is a government thing. i am here at this retreat for a whole week, though it's starting to feel like months. i'm not homesick, actually, it's been a nice oppourtunity for ana to take the reigns once again and lead me back to her lovely world of fasting and less than 500 calories a day. i'm actually loving it because of that. i love being able to be stronger than all the other girls. no, better. becuase of my strength, what they might call a disorder, i am better than they will ever be.

the downside is that i miss jake. i miss jacob a lot. he does not have a cell phone, so i can't text him, and the boy is practically nocturnal. he rolls out of bed around 2:30pm and goes to sleep at 7:00am. what the hell?! thinking about jake also gives me a little thinspiration to think about while i'm here at this prison. it's miraculous that i can actually get on a computer, though i'm not allowed on facebook while i'm here. we are allowed to the dorms, but only on our floor. we are allowed to go to the cafeteria or liabrary at noon, but only for half of an hour. we are allowed to talk to the other girls here on the campus with the group, but we can not talk to any of the students. we are not allowed to call anybody, we are not allowed out of our rooms after 9:00pm. it is like a prison. they have times for us to do everything. even pee! it's stupid. what happened to freedom? haha.

i am surviving though. like i said, ana is helping me though this hard time. and let me tell you, it IS a hard time. they have so much good food here for us to eat! Popcorn, potatoes, jello, cheesecake, lasagna, linguini, chocolate, ice-cream, every food you can think of! i came so close to binging when they brought out the potatoes. but no. i didn't. i thought thin and stayed strong. i had a small slice of watermeleon instead. i was so proud of myself. i'm hoping to see some major improvements on my weight becuase of it. if not, least i didn't gain anything. 

i'm going to try calling jacob. it's about time for him to wake up.

why do i bother? it's not like anybody listens to me anyway. maybe they'll listen when i waste into nothing. when i become perfection.

think thin.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

better...but in other words worse

so the boy i last posted about, jacob. he's the dreamiest boy i could ever dream up. we've been on two dates so far, and both were amazing. jacob makes me feel good about myself. like, he'll tell me that i'm perfect, and say things like, "my god! who would want to date one of those anorexic twigs!" as he points to a girl who is not very thin at all and i still wish i had her body. i feel like i don't need ana when i'm around him. but when i come home, and i get yelled at for some reason or another, i feel like shit and i want ana to be my best friend no matter what. it's a confusing cycle, but i'm sticking to ana. even though i don't want to at the moment, if i don't, i'll hate myself later. i don't want to because jacob says i'm perfect. he makes me feel like i am.

because of aforementioned feelings, i've binged this whole week. i'm not even going to get on the scale because i'm scared of what it's going to say. eugh. fuck my no caffeine policy, i'm drinking coffee and tea all today. no sugar, no milk. i don't deserve such luxuries. oh, and because of this boy, i am no longer vegetarian. he's a damn good cook. like, i didn't think men could cook that well! seriously, he rivals my own cooking. last night he cooked me some chicken. it was really good. it was the spicy kind with the hot sauce all over it. damn it was good. i thought i'd puke at the meat, but i enjoyed it, like seeing a friend you haven't seen in years. but maybe being omnivore isn't too bad. i mean, boiled chicken might be nice to eat if i HAVE to eat anything. i'll just keep away from red meat.

so, i'm going to "girls state" next week. it's a government thing. it's all girls, and we learn about the different branches of government. it's really cool, and it'll give me a week of fasting since the other girls won't pay any attention to my eating habits, all anybody cares about is being elected for one of the positions. so i'm hoping to lose all this weight i've racked up since last post.

i know that my weight is probably up to around 150 by now. i feel so fat and gross when i'm alone, but when i hang out with jacob, i feel like, well, i feel like i AM perfect. like i am healthy. it's really weird. around jake, i feel okay to eat. like, when he took me to his family bbq over memorial day weekend, i felt okay to eat the vegetarian hot dogs they'd bought just for me. i felt okay to eat the chips and dip. if even felt okay to eat pound cake with whipped cream and strawberries. damn it all, this boy makes me feel like nothing's wrong. he makes me "better" but in ana's case that means "worse". i know it's stupid to say because i'm a teenager, but...i think i'm in love with him. it's going to hurt like hell when things end. and i know ana will always be waiting, her arms wide open, as she has for two years.

think thin.

Monday, May 24, 2010

the gods of boy flesh

i thank thee, o gods of boy flesh!

today while at the gym, i ran into a good friend from the college. he's 19 and his name is jack. i'm convinced that jack is one of the sexiest men on the planet. he's really f*cking ripped. like kellen lutz ripped, with an ALL OVER (yes ladies, i do mean ALL OVER) golden tan. he was in his skimpy little wisp of a speedo and about to take a dip in the pool. alright...i know what you're thinking, "nobody looks good in a speedo". well, you'd just have to see jack to understand.

and i have also received another bountiful gift from aforementioned gods. but let me give you a little back-story first. i work part time as a "bella swan" stand-in at kids parties. my good friend alex works as my "edward cullen" partner. for the record, no there is NO relationship going on there. next month, we'll be at a local theater getting paid to do a stand-in gig for the release of "eclipse". today, on the way to my car in the parking lot of the gym, i ran into this god-like creature and totally dropped my keys. he was like, "whoa. sorry there. lemme get those for you". (he's shirtless too...and just as ripped as jack *drools*) he picks up my keys, hands them back and introduces himself. his name is jacob. it's no coincidence that i happen to live in seattle, have a job as a "bella" stand-in, and meet a tall, dark, native american named jacob who soon agrees to be our jacob for the movie premier. holy hell. i think i've just died and gone straight to hell. if i was in heaven, i don't think there'd be so much temptation in the form of boy flesh! lol.

so that is why we must praise the gods for their glorious bounty they have provided.

anyway, onto my workout i suppose. *sighs*

my workout went well. i burned 500 on the stair-climber, and 570 in the pool. so, a grand total of -1070 today, not including my daily intake. today, as part of my diet, i've eaten a 100 calorie yogurt, a salad with 40 calorie dressing and 100 calorie tofurky (vegetarian turkey), and bran cereal with a 1/4 cup of skim milk.  so, yeah, it might sound like a lot to some of you who eat less than 500 calories a day, but i lose at least 10lbs a week. so to each their own i suppose. good luck to all of you in your hunt for boy/girl flesh. lol.

think thin.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

horrible day

this is my second update today. i'm updating just to say how awful i was today. i basically threw ana to the curb and broke both her legs the way i was! god only knows how many cookies i ate today. damn. if i'd been able to go the the f*cking gym today, none of this would have happened. f*ck! beyond that, i ate f*cking french fries with f*cking cheese! today was just horrid. absolutely dreadful. if anybody's got any tips or tricks for the weekends, please, PLEASE post them in the comments.

on the upside, i have not had to resort to mia. (then again, that's probably because my mom's been following me around all day...) and i'll be going to the gym tomorrow. if i attack the stair-climber again, i should burn off a good 3000+. wish me luck.

i hope somebody out there is doing a hell of a lot better than i am.

think thin.

thinner every day

i'm so fed up with this! every time i get even close to 130lbs, i get invited to a party or a get-together, which forces me to eat something or else people bitch and complain. i'm still trying to stay away from mia. it's hard though. at the party i purged twice. eugh. it's like i didn't learn the first time. but on the bright side, i went to the gym yesterday and burned 2530 calories. which is amazing on my standards.

turns out i was right about the water weight. but i'm actually, for sure this time, down to 135lbs. thank god! looks like i'll have to take my dog out for a major run today to keep those calories burning. have you ever wanted to work-out, but you're just to damn lazy to actually get up and DO anything? I can work out on a machine for hours if i had one in my home, but the fact is that i don't. another fact is the stupid gym i go to isn't open on sudays. damn religious freaks. is it such a sin to want to sweat and burn fat and calories on a sunday?! it's the little things like this that piss me off.

i just woke up a little bit ago and i'm supposed to be doing some of my online course work. i had better get on that before my mom barges in and finds me on blogger. i wish you luck in all of your endeavors this week.

think thin.

p.s. i've almost convinced my mom to get me a laptop! if i do, that means more thinspo and more blogging. yah!

Friday, May 21, 2010


i've chalked up my recent weight loss to nothing more than water weight. so i suppose that just puts me right back up to 140 lbs (64kg). unfortunately, i am going to have to mormon friend is right. caffeine is bad for you. a recent study showed that those who drank a caffeinated drink at least once a day, lost weight very quickly, but soon gained it all back. what they lost was purly water weight and that is what i have been doing. eugh.

anyway, the main topic of this post is to let everybody know that i am joining the bracelet movement within the pro-ana comunity. the colors are as follows:

light pink-ednos
green-currently fasting
black-self injury

i'm not sure what my bracelet will look like yet...

i binged today at lunch and i've gone back to mia. i'm scared of mia actually. i'm terrified that one of these days, my stomach will rupture. eugh. i hope your day goes better than mine has.

think thin