a prison

so, i think i may have mentioned going off to a retreat called "girl's state". it is sponsered by the american legion and is a government thing. i am here at this retreat for a whole week, though it's starting to feel like months. i'm not homesick, actually, it's been a nice oppourtunity for ana to take the reigns once again and lead me back to her lovely world of fasting and less than 500 calories a day. i'm actually loving it because of that. i love being able to be stronger than all the other girls. no, better. becuase of my strength, what they might call a disorder, i am better than they will ever be.

the downside is that i miss jake. i miss jacob a lot. he does not have a cell phone, so i can't text him, and the boy is practically nocturnal. he rolls out of bed around 2:30pm and goes to sleep at 7:00am. what the hell?! thinking about jake also gives me a little thinspiration to think about while i'm here at this prison. it's miraculous that i can actually get on a computer, though i'm not allowed on facebook while i'm here. we are allowed to the dorms, but only on our floor. we are allowed to go to the cafeteria or liabrary at noon, but only for half of an hour. we are allowed to talk to the other girls here on the campus with the group, but we can not talk to any of the students. we are not allowed to call anybody, we are not allowed out of our rooms after 9:00pm. it is like a prison. they have times for us to do everything. even pee! it's stupid. what happened to freedom? haha.

i am surviving though. like i said, ana is helping me though this hard time. and let me tell you, it IS a hard time. they have so much good food here for us to eat! Popcorn, potatoes, jello, cheesecake, lasagna, linguini, chocolate, ice-cream, every food you can think of! i came so close to binging when they brought out the potatoes. but no. i didn't. i thought thin and stayed strong. i had a small slice of watermeleon instead. i was so proud of myself. i'm hoping to see some major improvements on my weight becuase of it. if not, well...at least i didn't gain anything. 

i'm going to try calling jacob. it's about time for him to wake up.

why do i bother? it's not like anybody listens to me anyway. maybe they'll listen when i waste into nothing. when i become perfection.

think thin.

~mara~