revenge of the worst sort

i know it's been about a month since my last post. i've been super busy between my new job, my boyfriend, and moving into a new place with my parents. between all of that, ana's taken revenge against Jacob. Jacob, my boyfriend of one whole month, (that's the longest relationship i've had) cooks amazing food and always tries to take care of me and be my protecter. i appriciate his gestures very much, but ana does not. after a month of "being normal" and eating like a normal person, i was happy to learn that i only jumped up to 145. i was thinking it'd be more like 156 or some bullshit like that. i weighed myself today and was happy that i lost a whole 10lbs in 5 days. i think being happy has something to do with it. i notice that when i'm upset or dismal, my weight tends to jump up no matter how little i eat. but when i'm happy, my weight will balance it's self and drop drastically. i dunno if there's any science behind it, but it works for me.

i love Jacob. i really do. he says he loves me, and i don't care if it makes me a stupid teenager, but i beleive him. i know he does. it's in the way he looks at me. the way he talks to me, the things he does out of the blue. like yesterday for example. i went over to his house, just expecting to hang out like we usually do, maybe just watch a movie or play video games. turns out we'd be home alone for the night and he'd layed out a magnificent dinner for the two of us. candle lit and everything. i was astonished. we ate and talked about plans for our senior year. we don't go to the same school, but we were thinking abouat plans for after high school. we agreed that we'd save up for a trip to hawaii next summer. though our relation ship may not last (oh god i hope it does) it's nice to plan sometimes. and if it does, then we'll be the happiest 18 year old kids on the beach. haha! even more inspiration for me to thin up. gotta get in perfect shape for that bikki bod, right? so, life's been fantastic to say the least. i can't complain.

okay, so maybe i can. ana hates jake. hates him with a burning passion. hates his cooking, hates his willingness to accept fat me. hates the fact that he thinks i'm beautiful the way i am. she's coming back to me for revenge. revenge of the worst sort. ana's waged war on my heart. not just my head anymore, oh no, that my dears was concoured long ago. ana's made me lie to jacob before. i feel horrible about it, but what can i do? although jake knows about my ED, he thinks that i've become better. he supports me working out with him, and supports a healthy diet, but ana just likes to throw him to the wayside. :/ this worries me very much.

mara burton.

a prison

so, i think i may have mentioned going off to a retreat called "girl's state". it is sponsered by the american legion and is a government thing. i am here at this retreat for a whole week, though it's starting to feel like months. i'm not homesick, actually, it's been a nice oppourtunity for ana to take the reigns once again and lead me back to her lovely world of fasting and less than 500 calories a day. i'm actually loving it because of that. i love being able to be stronger than all the other girls. no, better. becuase of my strength, what they might call a disorder, i am better than they will ever be.

the downside is that i miss jake. i miss jacob a lot. he does not have a cell phone, so i can't text him, and the boy is practically nocturnal. he rolls out of bed around 2:30pm and goes to sleep at 7:00am. what the hell?! thinking about jake also gives me a little thinspiration to think about while i'm here at this prison. it's miraculous that i can actually get on a computer, though i'm not allowed on facebook while i'm here. we are allowed to the dorms, but only on our floor. we are allowed to go to the cafeteria or liabrary at noon, but only for half of an hour. we are allowed to talk to the other girls here on the campus with the group, but we can not talk to any of the students. we are not allowed to call anybody, we are not allowed out of our rooms after 9:00pm. it is like a prison. they have times for us to do everything. even pee! it's stupid. what happened to freedom? haha.

i am surviving though. like i said, ana is helping me though this hard time. and let me tell you, it IS a hard time. they have so much good food here for us to eat! Popcorn, potatoes, jello, cheesecake, lasagna, linguini, chocolate, ice-cream, every food you can think of! i came so close to binging when they brought out the potatoes. but no. i didn't. i thought thin and stayed strong. i had a small slice of watermeleon instead. i was so proud of myself. i'm hoping to see some major improvements on my weight becuase of it. if not, well...at least i didn't gain anything. 

i'm going to try calling jacob. it's about time for him to wake up.

why do i bother? it's not like anybody listens to me anyway. maybe they'll listen when i waste into nothing. when i become perfection.

think thin.

~mara~

bracelet

i've chalked up my recent weight loss to nothing more than water weight. so i suppose that just puts me right back up to 140 lbs (64kg). unfortunately, i am going to have to admit...my mormon friend is right. caffeine is bad for you. a recent study showed that those who drank a caffeinated drink at least once a day, lost weight very quickly, but soon gained it all back. what they lost was purly water weight and that is what i have been doing. eugh.

anyway, the main topic of this post is to let everybody know that i am joining the bracelet movement within the pro-ana comunity. the colors are as follows:

red-anorexia
purple-bulimia
light pink-ednos
green-currently fasting
blue-depression
black-self injury

i'm not sure what my bracelet will look like yet...

i binged today at lunch and i've gone back to mia. i'm scared of mia actually. i'm terrified that one of these days, my stomach will rupture. eugh. i hope your day goes better than mine has.

think thin
-mara-